I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

It happened every year. Without fail. Every year I would get asked the question ... and I wouldn't know how to answer it.

It's not like I try to be evasive, but I cannot help it. Each of my four years of college, about half way through the year, all hell would break lose. Not only for me, but for my room mates as well.

And of course, that means midnight pillow talks. Late night discussions where we talk about our past experiences and heartaches. [So I should actually clarify this and say my room mates would usually talk about their past experiences and heartaches]

And about two hours into these discussions I would get the question. They would turn to me and say -- I really don't know anything about you. What is a person supposed to say to such a remark. I'm sorry. They never meant to give offense, and I never took any. But they were always right. I never really opened up a lot to anyone while at school. I would laugh at that, and make some off topic remark, and my room mates usually dropped it after a couple more minutes of useless probing.

It just wasn't how I was raised or how I function as a person. I listen a lot, and I am good at that. But I am not good at opening up my past and showing that to others.

I do not think that there are a lot of people who know about my past, my true feelings, or a lot about me. In my home, we were a very private family. We didn't proclaim our problems from the rooftops, and used it as an opportunity as a family to come together and be united.

And it is still the case today. There are a lot of things "going on" around here in my family. And a couple of them I have mentioned -- like Erica having a baby girl. There are some of them I probably could mention -- like the fact that I am now applying for jobs out in Utah so that I can be near said niece. And more that I cannot mention out of respect for the fact that it involves other individuals who have asked for confidentiality.

I guess what I am trying to say is that this blog won't be a deep discussion about the painful feelings I have about my past. Or really about the exciting things that are going on around here.

But that's just who I am. Sorry.